Why this 69 Di

After reading my earlier blogs, some of the readers commented that I am repeating the subject of sex in all my write-ups. But then I question, is sex not the most tabooed subject in our country? The very purpose of starting ‘The Untrodden Path’ is to highlight topics/ subjects/ issues that are less talked about. When it comes to sex, either people are shy/ reluctant to speak about it or consider it something insubstantial/ unimportant to talk about. I wonder whether a little more openness in this regard could have checked our country’s growing population.

About a couple of months back, there was a lot of buzz about a video clip of actress Paoli Dam from the film ‘Chatrak’. There was a lot of interest among both men and women about the scene which shows the Bong actress in full monty. For me, what was also of interest is the fact that the scene shows a couple based in rural India engaged in oral sex (cunnilingus, to be precise). If this is any indication, it must be said that exposure to urban culture and lifestyle and easy access to porn films is elevating the sexual understanding of rural folks to beyond just intercourse.

Talking of oral sex, it reminds of the sex position called 69, also known as mutual oral sex. For those not aware of what 69 is, it is a sex position in which two people align themselves so that their mouths are near the other's genitals, in order to perform oral sex. I have discussed about sex positions in one of my earlier blogs, but unique positions like 69 perhaps deserves an elaborate discussion. I checked with a few people if my thoughts are right, and the response received was quite interesting.

First, the stats. The survey revealed that more than 70% of the respondents like 69 position, around 21% do not, and the rest have never tried it. Clearly, the position is liked by most people today. While some say it is the trickiest position tried but loved, others opine that one feels passionate and strongly sexual trying this position, as it is a nice and sultry form of sex. The one’s who haven’t tried 69 are mostly unmarried couples, who feel that chances of exploring various sex positions are higher in case of married couples. Prior to marriage, you mostly have to remain contended with quickies.

However, while 69 is for people who like raw passionate sex, it has a drawback too, according to some of the respondents to the survey. They feel that some people tend to miss out on a little bit of pleasure due to lack of focus during 69. The justification given is that when one is giving oral to someone, his/her entire focus is to ensure that the partner gets the pleasure he/she intends him/her to feel, and in the endeavour, one may lose focus from the oral pleasure that he/she is deriving from the partner. Therefore, going for oral sex turn wise is a wise thing to do, they feel.

The survey had another interesting finding. Even as the respondents expressed their liking/ disliking for 69, a number of them stressed that the sex position they like the most is doggie style. The female respondents, in particular, were strong supporters of doggie style sex. Except for an odd respondent who feels doggie style sex is painful, other female respondents reveal that they absolutely crave for this sex position because they get to feel the entire length of the penis much better and it is more satisfying. Besides, they do not require much energy to get on the fours, they add.

However, the respondents clarified that doggie style is most preferred for intercourse, but when one is looking for sexual satisfaction without intercourse, 69 gets their vote.

It would now be interesting to find (if possible) whether these preferences are same among rural people. I feel that while presently many of them may not be aware of something like 69, it won’t be long before the scenario changes. 

As I conclude this feature, my request to readers would be to share an honest feedback about this write-up. I would be keen to find out if this story reads overtly sexual/ sleazy to anyone. 69 may not be a taboo or a social issue, but it’s not something most people are comfortable discussing. However, curiosity is there among people to know more about it, especially the trend, and that is the objective of this feature. 

Experimenting with ‘positions’

One of the regular readers of my blogs recently told me that since I write on things that are less talked about, one of the issues I can take up for writing is sex positions, as it is one of the most tabooed subjects in the Indian scenario. I have already discussed in my earlier blogs that today people are more open about sex – be it in discussions or in practising it. Therefore, it is surprising that there still remain things that people are not too open to discuss.

The sculptures at the Konark Temple and the Ajanta-Ellora suggest that experimenting with various sex positions was prevalent in India even in ancient times. But today, when it comes to different sex styles other than the traditional one – where the man is on the top – we give them names like doggy style, cowboy style, etc. These are names which we have learnt from the West. So just by the fact that the West gave these names and popularised them by depicting the same in their movies as well as in XXX movies, we feel that we are discussing/experimenting things which we have been influenced by the West.

However, fact remains that even today, most women, including the young ones, still prefer the traditional style when it comes to having sexual intercourse. My understanding says that the person on top is the one who has to be more active in the act. Therefore, the other person can basically ‘sit back’ and enjoy!

There are others who feel that trying out different positions during sex depends on the people concerned, as well on the compatibility of the partners. However, the person who encouraged me to take up this topic is of the opinion that modern women like trying out different styles during intercourse.

Few others are of the view that the cowboy style is the one that women prefer the most. Somebody told me that it is because of this sex position do we have the saying ‘women on top!’ From a biological point of view, it is said that since the cowboy style facilitates orgasm, many women prefer this sex position.

Opinions may vary, but the bottomline is that today people are open to experimentation when it comes to sex, although most like it the traditional way. 

The ‘hush-hush’ desires

There are so many things we are hush-hush about. There are so many things that are there in our minds, in our desires, in our wishes, but we feel ashamed or are hesitant to admit them. Can we be called hypocritical for that? Perhaps yes, but then again people are so concerned about not going beyond social limits. Like it or not, abide by it or not, fact remains that we, at least most Indians, have this thing in the back of our mind that we have to abide by the social norms. How much we eventually abide by is questionable though.

Recently I conducted a survey among a group of young men and women to find out whether they feel that women, like men, have the desire to sleep with multiple partners. The feedback was very subjective, so I cannot share any data like how many voted in favour of the survey question and how many were against it. However, the responses that I received were very interesting. Some of the respondents are of the view that there may be women who crave to sleep with multiple partners, but it depends entirely on the type of persons they are. There were others who felt that it is disgusting and gross to think about sleeping with multiple partners.

However, I also got responses from women who agreed with the survey query. In fact, one of them went on to say that women actually think more than men about sleeping with multiple partners.

But there was one feedback which I couldn’t help but keep it for the last at it was said well, I thought. According to this respondent, single women certainly have the desire to sleep with multiple partners. Committed women also harbour the thought, but they suppress it later in life. It’s like a dormant volcano that can be sparked suddenly at any stage in life!

Compromising with virginity

A fine quote that I came across in one of the websites and also in a text message read: “Trust, like virginity, once compromised can never be regained.”  How true! Now we all know that breaking of trust is something that everyone of us experience at some time or the other. We have so many relatives, friends, colleagues, etc, so chances of breaking trust on more than once occasion is quite high. But the same does not hold true for virginity, as it is not something that can be unsealed more than once.

Earlier, by virginity we only understood female virginity. But thanks to the western influence, today people also talk about male virginity. One popular film dialogue that I can remember is from the recent Bolly flick ‘Dil to bachcha hai ji’, where Shazahn Padamsee says to Ajay Devgan, “I was only three when you lost your V!”

My personal observation is that in modern India, virginity is no longer a major issue as it was even a few years ago. Earlier husbands and boy friends expected their wives/girl friends to be virgins for sure. Perhaps women also expected the same, but the shortcoming being there is no way to detect it. But today, it would be foolish of anyone to expect that their partner would be a virgin for certainty.

Like it or not, modern Indian youth has opened up to sex big time. Today perhaps we are living in an age where people change partners frequently. You may like it, or reproach those who do it, but that’s how it is. And trust me, this is not just the picture of urban India. As one of the ill effects of globalisation, with the spread of communication services, rural India is also coming under the influence of a sex-savvy culture, if I may put it that way!

However, when it comes to discussions, sex is still a hush-hush thing in India. This is surprising, considering that sex supposedly got its definition and its various innovations in India. If you look at the sculptures at Ajanta-Ellora or the Konark Temple, you’ll realise that things like doggystyle, blowjob, paedophile, group sex, etc were very much in existence then, hundreds of years ago. So why are these things, and sex in general, an issue today?

I recently conducted a survey asking some young people whether they think that modern urban Indian boys and girls lose their virginity in their teens. The results were quite interesting, as 67% of the respondents agreed to the view, of which most were men. So do men and women have different ideas and experience about virginity?

However, one female respondent said, “Though I didn’t lose my virginity in my teens, most of my friends did.” This partly justifies the outcome of the survey, though one wonders whether it is both boys and girls who lose virginity in their teens. Some respondents are of the view that a certain percentage of Indian teens may lose their virginity in their teens, but not the majority.

Interestingly, a recent survey had revealed that in the US the average age of losing virginity is 13 years! Apparently the average is not so low in India, but it is supposedly in the teens. According to one respondent, losing of virginity in India is the highest among those in the late and mid teens. One reason for that could be that in villages, people still get married at an age when they should have been going to school.

Nonetheless, as I said earlier, modern India has opened up to sex, whether for good or bad is questionable. Some do it out of love, some for lust, while some do it simply because they think that as an individual they have the right to live the way they want. Can’t disagree, as long as one doesn’t end up playing with someone’s emotions.

Women & Marriage: the other view

When we appear for an interview, we do not mind sitting in front of the interview or a group of interviewers and let them assess us. This holds true for both men and women. However, if you are not one belonging to the fairer gender, how would you feel if you are made to sit in a similar situation in front of your prospective bride and in-laws? Too embarrassing? Something that would hurt your ego? Not surprising, considering that men, at least in India, never have to encounter such a situation.

But Indian women, a large number of them, face such a situation. At least certainly those who opt for (not necessarily out of choice) arranged marriage. This has been happening traditionally. The prospective groom and his family members visit the girl’s house to see the prospective bride, her family and abode. After a brief introduction between the two families, the girl is asked to appear in front of all, draped in an ethnic dress, followed by a Q&A session which is as good as an interview. If Indian movies and television soaps and serials are to be believed, they may also be asked to display whatever creative talent they have. Usually, they are asked to sing, if she is known for her vocal chords. Wonder what she would have displayed if she was an artist/painter who only sketches/paints nude men!

One may argue that this is how all arranged marriages initiate, that’s how it has been always. True, but hasn’t the world moved on and advanced several notches since the time such customs were innovated? Today we claim that women are at par with men, so why this discrimination when it comes to the process of arranged marriage? Present-day parents bring up their daughters with as much love and care and provide them with as many facilities as they give to their sons. Girls get good, high education, they are taught of all worldly matters, they are taught to be smart and also, they are encouraged to enter the professional field. All this factors get negated when a girl is made to sit in front of a room full of people, where most people are unknown to her, and interviewed in a manner as if her life is at stake. True, choosing the right partner is a very important decision for every human being, but then that holds for both genders. So it is time that the undue advantage that boys and their families have been enjoying since time immemoriam is brought to an end.

There are women who feel that despite all the hype and hoopla about gender equality, the fact remains that women are still defeated, at least in matters like the process of marriage. Women also have their needs and desires related to marriage, but are they all fulfilled? Do they always have a say in the way things are done in this regard? Someone may not be prepared for marriage, someone may not want to get married at all, but eventually they have to (at least most do) get married because of societal norms. 

If a man is lustful, he is at best called a playboy. But for a girl, even if she shares a good rapport with her male friends, she is called a slut. Not fair. Women also have their sexual desires, but it is unfair to categorise them so derogatively because of that. A man may decide not to marry and rather bed hundreds of girls all his life. So what’s the harm if a woman thinks that way? Just because she is a woman she has to get married? Why do we have this perception that a woman cannot spend her life alone?

Even in case of love marriages, especially when they don’t work out and result in divorces, it is the girl who has to take the blame. “I told you it (the marriage) won’t work out, but you didn’t listen,” the parents would say, perhaps overlooking the girl’s state of mind. Therefore, whether it arranged marriage or one out of love, or even a decision of not getting married, women generally end up hearing an earful from the society in all cases. Will this never change? Can’t we do something?

Sex Unlimited

Do not raise your eyebrows seeing the title of this piece. We are not here to discuss something sleazy or titillate anyone, as the title may suggest. Sex is a fundamental thing of life which we can’t ignore and I personally believe that it is a subject by itself. This is one phenomenon about which no matter how much we discuss, there’s always scope to know more about it.

This write-up is basically based on a conversation between a guy and a girl which I happened to over hear. Present day youth are quite open about sex, as perhaps we all know, be it in doing it or in discussing about the same. While a lot of crap is also being discussed, this was one conversation which I found very interesting and informative.

The discussion revolved around the concept of ‘sex friends’ in India. While this is very much in practice in the western world, influence of the same is also being felt in traditionally conservative places like India. Nonetheless, the existence of this concept cannot be ignored.

This is what the girl had to say: ‘Sex friends’ is just another convenient term invented by people who are too snappy to get into even in a live-in relationship. Earlier, a live-in was used to be considered as perhaps the most experimental form of same/hetero-sex relationship. But now it's passé it seems. Sex friendship is so much in these days. But it's nothing but a newer avatar of self-deceiving. What sort of message these people are sending out - that they can't afford to maintain/merely get into a relationship, that they have no partner, that they are not the least compatible to have partners with whom they can continue, and of course, they are not even capable of forming something as basic as friendship? These are incompetent people who just can't afford to spend time, energy, feelings, affection, understanding (forger about respect), and even money (why a 'sex friend' for God's sake, they can very well make do with a hooker who will charge them per hour). But no, they are saving money, image (more importantly), plus coming up with something as hollow a term as 'sex friends' to probably impress people like us who might go wow upon their boho-liberal, ultra open-minded attitude towards sex, physicality, relationship, and thus, breaking away from the bondage of 'relationships' and attempting to bring about some sort of 'rebel' infusion. Remember the 1960s’ hippie culture, when an entire generation was brought up on values involving liberty, anti-fascism (the bigger political perspective), and therefore, denouncing and opposing every social norm and conduct, and of course promoting free sex, and branding themselves as path-breakers of some sort of social evolution.

This is nothing but just a neo-hippie-ism copying their free sex concept without their originality and broader humanitarian aspect. It’s bad sex, no soul! It is just a passing phase. People will get over with it soon and find something new to chew on!

The guy had something to say: Do you think 'soul' exists in present day relationships? Most young people today believe that there is hardly any soul in present day relationships. These days most young couples start getting physical after a couple of meetings. In many cases they part ways and move on to another partner. How different are they from sex friends? Modern couples do not seem to have time for a full fledged relationship, because they are hard pressed for time. So they want to ‘feel’ it straightaway.

Girl’s reaction: It is very true that everyone's running against time, but this is very silly when people have time to update Facebook every second, grow their trees on Farmville, visit pubs and malls, and do hundreds of other things except that they don’t have time for relationship - that’s just an excuse, and a very lame one! And what is this "feel" thing?! If it's just about that, they can even "feel" (read 'touch') in a crowded bus as well (sex is a very primordial thing, a very basic physical need, so they can urge their sex drive by any other means), they don’t need to do it under the pretext of 'sex friendship'. But this may be the opinion of one segment of the Indian youth; there’s another young India as well that exists outside the so-called 'metros'.

Sex and relationship are two different things - if they happen together, nothing like it, but sex doesn’t necessarily require the facade of a relationship, they can simply call it 'casual sex'. Two people of opposite sex, if they are attracted to each other and have sex, they are not necessarily "couples". So, there’s a lot of confusion as to how to define the relationship. Already, the definition/horizon of the concept of 'friends' has been stretched so far that now it includes everyone - friends (from school, college), colleagues, acquaintances, people on your social network circles (whose real name you may not know, neither about how they look like), boyfriend, girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, fiancés, spouses, etc. Now we don’t want sex partners to be included in this list, it’s overwhelming/intimidating already!

Therefore, "sex friends" is just another pathetic attempt to look/sound "cool" by this generation. If there's no heart, no soul, sex gets reduced merely to the level of a bodily act.

The guy had a query: You said that 'sex doesn’t necessarily require the facade of a relationship, they can call it simply 'casual sex'. So does that mean that you think that 'casual sex' is ok?

Girl: We don't intend to be judgmental on this, so I’m not looking at it from an ethical-moral perspective. So, whether it's 'ok' or not is the question. What is important is one’s belief. After all, we do what we believe in, and here we are talking about such a fundamental thing as sex, so if one believes in practicing it casually, its fine as long as one can claim that he/she's not wrecking havoc on the other's emotional expectations and no one is in the dark about the intentions and consequences of such an involvement.

Foreword

The Untrodden Path….it’s the realisation of my long time plans of creating my own blog. The question was – what to write in my blog? People write about themselves, express their creative bent or write about things they like. So I thought of trying to be a bit different. And what better than writing on topics that are important and very relevant in our lives, yet most people shirk from discussing about such topics. The idea is to cover such topics subtly and sensitively. Donno how much justice I’ll be able to do to these topics, but I hope that readers will find them interesting.